Baileys quite bright today.. No infections.. We may just make it to the play room :)
The play room for me replaced my social life.. and was really quite enjoyable sometimes, my colouring- in skills reached a defanite 10 out 10!!!
Today i met Laura and her dear little boy Lucas.. He looked a bit like ET.. A tiny little boy with with a tiny body and a heartbreakly huge tumour on his liver, causing his tummy to swell like a balloon.. Lucas always had the the little red light attached to his finger, checking his heart rate.. Hence the ET status!!
Lucas had a passion for "BRUM" that totally hidious car kids tv program.. He had it playing LOUD morning, noon and night.. His passion of love for it became my passion of hate!!!!
Even the tune of it now drives me insane!!!!
Laura and i became good friends inside the hospital.. On Lion ward.. (She is still a good friend to this day and a massive support to me)
We shared our thoughts and fears.. We raced each other to answer the public telephone in the hall.. It was a person on the outside word on the other end.. Not something we had the privelidge of anymore.. We even shared the odd glass of wine (Laura would sneak it in or get her friends to.. I would never do such a thing ;))
I used to watch Laura's visitors come and go, they were in the room opposite me.. I used to imagine being part of that blip of social life.. I however rarely had any!! Why? Because i shut myself off to my life as i knew it.. I was also terrified that someone might sneeze and spread a billion germs in our room.. Mad really, as ive never been one for a tidy house or cleaning!!
Days passed the children were up and down.. we were up and down..
A week would never go by without some sort of heart break for someone....
This afternoon im looking forward to going to Sids (Anyone who has spent anytime at GOSH will know Sids, Its 'The' Cafe) with Lyn, Lyn is Jeniffers mum.. The kindest and most gentle lady you could ask to meet.. I know everyone loves their children.. But Lyn had something special, a devotion you dont always see.. A patience that was a gift and love that you could feel and smell just oozing from her
. Jeniffer had a brain tumour.. WE spoke about our babies, again about the fear of losing them.. That was always the topic of any of us.. Thats all there was.. Life on the outside seemed to have stopped exsisting...
This was all there was, you couldnt even see a light at the end of the tunnel, there was no tunnel.. it was an up hill dark exsistance with door after door after door to get through..
Some days you would knock and sit and and wait for someone to open it.. Other days you would smash right through it and sometimes you would just be on your knees, crying from the pit of your soul, praying that someone would hear you.. Longing for someone to pick you up and push the door with you, if not for you.. praying that someone would at least just turn a light.
Lyn would pray, she is a religious person.. That day we both had apple pie and she said to me.. "Bek, do you pray?" I thought for a moment, i thought hmmmmm, do i lie and say 'Oh, yes every night and grace before every meal' Or do i be honest and say "No, not really.. Every prayer ive ever said hasnt been answered, so i guess i gave up praying when i was about 15.. I call him a few names from time to time though!! As im known for my often brutal honesty, i said.. "To be honest Lyn, NO.. I dont.. i have a few choice words for him.. but im saving those until we are face to face ;)"
Lyn just smiled.. she didnt judge me or push me into doing so.. She just said.. Bek, I never pray that jeniffer. will get better, I never ask why, i just pray that she wont suffer...
That amazes me each and everyday because when i do talk to him.. I say WHY us, WHY me, WHY my son.. YOU better make him well..
Kind of making Lyn even more special...
Yet.. IF you was to ask me.. Did jeniffer suffer? Id say YES, YES she bloody did.. She lost her fight at just 3 years old..
The last time i saw Jeniffer we were at the middlesex hospital in London.. We were both up there having Radiotheraphy.. Rich (Jens dad) rang me and said "Bek, we are at the enterance.. we are finished with treatment, they cant do anymore.. would you like to come and say good bye to little legs (His nick name for jen) And Lyn said dont you dare cry, not in front of jeniffer"
Ok, hang on.. Very dear friends are taking their little girl home to DIE, a little girl that ive become very fond of, two people that have shared their love and their fears with me, two people that are about to take the path of no return... and im suposed to just pop down, say goodbye, NOT cry, watch them leave and then go back to my son..knowing that the path they were taking could be one of my cross roads..
I did... I hugged Rich and Lyn and a gave jennifer a big kiss and said "now you be a good girl for mummy and daddy" pretty good considering it felt like my throat had been cut.. jeniffer smiled as she rested her tiny head head on her daddy's shoulder and as if knowing i was hiding something she never took her beautiful eyes off me xxx
That phone call came...
Rich called with the news id been dreading...
My heart broke for him... Theres something about a grown man crying that will never fail to pull like lead weights on the strings of my heart..
Every night at about the same time for a week or so.. my house phone would ring..
Dont answer it, Gav would say.. (He hated seeing me so upset)
And despite the fact that answering it would make me ill.. make my heart feel like it was being dragged out of my mouth.. I had to, i made that promise to be there for a friend.. To be strong enough to listen to their pain, never forgetting the first friend i made at GOSH.. Shutting myself in the bathroom unabe to lend her my ears.. To this day im angry that her let her so down badly.. And it was of that day.. That no matter how hard it was for me to hear.. It was nothing to what they were feeling.. and i would always answer that call...
So the phone would ring.. i would position myself facing the window with a mountain of tissues on my lap..
"Hi Bek.. Rich has gone to read to Jeniffer, have you got time for a chat?
"Of course Lyn" i would always say.
How are you baring up?
Then her heart would open up to everything she missed about her beautiful little girl, everything she felt and everything she had gone through.. All the fears we spoke of over apple pie were now a reality, a heart felt pain from one mum to another..
"Im leaving Jeniffers little pink shoes in the porch, just where she left them, just where she took them off.....
Sometimes lyn would say "Bek, are you still there.. I could only nod down the phone because lyn and rich's story would take me to the point im crying so hard i couldnt breathe.. Let alone speak.
Jen was in the chappel of rest and her daddy would go to her bedroom, fill a bag with her favourite books and go every night to her tiny lifeless body and read her story after story.. You call me brave.. That man has balls of steel...
Jens fueral fell on or right next to Baileys Birthday.. We didnt go.
Rich Called just after and assured me that they understood..
He also told me how he carried his 3 year old daughters pink coffin by himself to the front of the church..
Rich is a guy i admire, who is still in my life today and who i consider to be a very good friend (Despite his a potty mouth)!!!
Rich and Lyn.. Would head for 'Jennifers beach' A place jennifer loved, a place they made some very precious memories..
I do believe the hardest call i ever took from those beautiful people was the one where Rich simply said "Hello Bek.. Lyn and i are on 'Jennifers beach' we've brought jennifers pink bucket and spade and we've made a sand castle with sand and her ashes.. We are waiting for the tide to come in.. Jennifer will be able to collect shells here forever... And Lyn and i wanted to share this moment with you"
Rich and Lyn spend every moment they can on that beach. Lyn told me that she sprinkles glitter on the sand too.. I would often send parcels of glitter.. Glitter always reminds me of Jennifer... God love them xxx
Those that had the pleasure of looking into Jennifers eyes will know that they were so deep and knew more than 3 year old should xxx
Sleep tight Angel xxx